welcome

4/3/24

recently ive been getting into new tv shows, ive gotten really into star trek and i love star trek: lower decks,, Brad is def my favrouite charaacter hes so silly,, i was really upset when i couldnt find any edits or anything of him :/. schoools been kinda boring, i have been really unmotivated lately and ive been going home before school even starts most of the time, its really weird.. i think its cuz its been around 6-7 weeks of school all my motivation has just been sucked straight out of me and i havent been able to actually get myself to do anything

how i felt that day:

17/3/24

this week has SUCKED!!!! firstly, ive been doing really shitty with school recently because ive been away a lot and ive had a lot of family problems so im pretty far behind which means ive been put into a "study pod" which is STUPID!! i didnt even end up going to the first one because there were so many people i nearly had a panic attack :/ secondly my parents broke up so now my dad is looking for places to move so he can get out of my mums hair, he said we can come over whenever we want but i doubt we'll actually be able too.. and lastly MY FRIENDS HAVE SUCKED A LOT !! theyre all being really weird to me and stuff and they keep being dry or mean to me or excluding me from the conversations,, it sucks A LOT!!! also mum wants to move us back to sydney,,

how i felt that day:

18/3/24

I MADE A NEW FRIEND!! her name is yani and shes such a sweetheart,, she likes star trek and shes super friendly and so pretty dudes!!!! im actyallu ssooo glad i met them theyre so kind to me what the flipperdoodle,, anyways today was MID. i got yelled at for like 10 minutes for wearing the "wrong coloured shorts" and almost missed my bus, my favrouite staff member was away and some bloke i didnt know on the bus tried to hold my hand while i was holding one of the poles cuz there was nowhere to sit. I NEARLY SCREAMED IT WAS SO SCARY. but overall the rest of the day was just the regular, i did get a monster tho which was nice

how i felt that day :

3/4/24

i havent been updating recently, ive been getting sick and schools taken up the majority of my time but i have some things i can say i guess.. to start, ive gotten back into harry potter and MHA, my severus snape hyperfix has come back in full force and im just about ready to punch any james defenders,,, ive been making more friends recently who're into the same things im into and its really nice to finally be able to talk to people about my interests.. i LOVE my friend group but they all have more in common with eachother than with me so i feel left out a lot. i started tutoring last week, but i skipped my tutoring session this week because i was non verbal and didnt feel like being around people i didnt know. also my ex's friend came back online to talk to me again, which was cool i guess, kinda awkward since hes been offline for nearly a month.

how ive been feeling recently:

5/4/24

BRO IM GONNA CRY I WAS ACCIDENTALLY USING A 900 PIXEL CANVAS INSTEAD OF A 2000 ONE. MY TIMELAPSE FOR MY ART. IS SO. PIXELATED. SOSSSS. IM GONNA START CRYING ON THE FLOOR I REALLY WANTED TO POST THIS TIMELAPSE TOO

3/5/24

i remembered that miss peregrines home for peculiar children was a real movie/book last night and rewatched the movie, it scared me shitless and i could barely sleep for the rest of the night. monday and tuesday this week were so fun, i went to my out of school pre pathway thing on monday/tuesday and met this really cool guy. he doesnt know im trans but he said hes chill with trans people. i might tell him if we get closer, but for now id rather not take any chances. he took me to the market/ttp and bought me food, it was really nice. we even shared youghurt. i liked him, i hope we stay friends.

7/5/25

i started rereading "a marriage that started a legend" and it got me back into merlin, so im thinking about rewatching the series. ive also started wondering if i should start b99 and the hobbit, because i never actually started them. school's sucking (as always) and im counting down the days till the next holiday break.

5/8/24

ive been off school all FUCKING week. i accidentaly mistook anti aging cream for my moisturiser and fuck my face was so bad ,,, my lips are STILL recovering. despite that i had time to do literally anything but school work, so i started new tv shows! i started watching house md and from me to you,, i really like from me to you. im at school right now typing this on my free, and i found out im not eligable to do chemistry next year :(( i can do bio though, so hopefully ill still be able to do something in science like i planned. if not, ill probably go into art or webdesign.

18/11/24

i have a new boyfriend, his names ben. hes very sweet and actually treats me like a person, owen was... not the greatest. he never treated me like a REAL person, more so just like a place-holder, and thats basically what i was, he had a crush on another girl and we broke up because he admitted he never really had feelings for me and was just. with me cause he felt bad (?). but its over now, and im doing a lot better. ive been with ben for i think two weeks now and hes genuinely the sweetest man ive ever met in my life, sometimes i genuinely feel bad that he has to put up with me because im such a depressing creature i fear that anyone who gets in the vicinity of me will start to wither away. ben cares for how i feel, he talks to me daily, he communicates how hes feeling and asks for my consent, and even though i know thats what everyone should do ive never had that before so it just feels really nice to be able to say wow, someone actually cares for me. its...... just nice. i guess. thats not the only reason i came to write today, i dont think i can keep going on living in my house. this home genuienly makes me feel sick, i get constantly screamed at and belittled like im less than a person just cause im the eldest and cause im the only girl and cause i have partners while my brother has none. it hurts, being yelled at for the tinest things and blamed for everything that goes wrong, being told im only an extention of the woman who created me and that my life isnt my own to live and that its hers for her to live vicariously through. that she "only wants whats best for me" and yet forces me into situations she knows i hate, i cant keep living in a house where im told im the reason i was sexually assulated and that it was all my fault for not screaming or trying to move away when i was frozen in fear because i thought i could trust this guy. i genuinely dont know how much longer i can stand to listen to my parents yell at me to do better and to get better, or to eat less because im fat and to eat more cause im getting too skinny, or to do as they say because they can still report my assultant. this is hell. the only way i can get through this is rememebering that i get to see ben during the day. i get an escape at school. i hate being home, but at times i wish i was home. my home doesnt feel like my home anymore, and i dont know what to do about it :'(