diary entry 1:

recently someone i harbour feelings for has come back into my life after a period of us not speaking to eachother. I had and still have romantic feelings for him but since hes come back into my life i feel like everything i do has started to annoy him..... i dont LIKE feeling like that but its difficult not to. he reached out to me, said he missed me and wanted to hang out/play games again and i accepted because i missed him too, but its been 2 months now and we've hung out once and havent really done anything together.

he doesnt ignore me or anything, he sends me videos on tiktok and instagram, sends me clips of his games with his friends and will have conversations with me, but it just doesnt feel the same. and maybe thats selfish of me, to want to take him away for myself so he spends more time with me, but i want to spend time with my friend. i know his friends dont like me much and thats okay but why reach out to me again if youre not going to actually make an effort to hang out with me. it hurts a lot. i really hate it. its not fair to me.

i can maybe understand if he doesnt feel comfortable around me because of the feelings i have for him, but then why even rekindle our relationship,i dont need to date you, i just want to be your friend, so why do you treat me so much differently. i wish he would tell me why, but i cant ask. if i ask, im afraid id risk losing someone i care about. the thought hurts me more than his actions. it hurts to be the backup, it hurts to feel the way i do and it hurts to never hang out with him, but what else can i do? and even if i tell anyone, who would care. they'd think im overreacting because of my bpd, and maybe i am, but so what if i am? my feelings are real and valid. im hurt and upset.